The Cactus (2006 Remaster) - Jake Thackray

作曲：Jake Thackray

When I and my new love my true love got married

Our love our true love very nearly miscarried

And one of the chief the contributory factors

Was when my dear wife fell in love with a cactus

On our wedding day

My auntie Ivy gave us both a little pot

A plastic what not

Which contained a spiky cactus

As a present it was tactless

But my wife my life my golden girl

She loved it from the start

Though it was old and mouldy

She took it to her very heart

My snow white my aphrodite my pocket Venus

Twas then that this venomous thing came between us

When we had so much to delect and distract us

Oh why did we cherish a perishing cactus

At first she just felt sorry for this

Horrid squalid lumpish parasite

A rash compassion

For her feelings got beyond her

Every day she grew still fonder

Till this sickly tickly little squirt

Had got the household quashed

Rent unpaid my tea not made

My shirts my socks not washed

My poor heart was bleeding from multiple fractures

A dupe and a boob and a cuckold to a cactus

She gave up her duties her food and her slumber

For this potted hedgehog this son of a cucumber

In spite of all her care her lavish

Blandishments the creature still declined

It pined for something

It defied all kinds of fertiliser

It began to fade away and die

And only I knew why I recognised the state

And it's a fact that what that cactus

Lacked was a prickly little soul mate

The feeling of grief's not confined to us only

Like me this poor vegetable was just lonely

For they need exactly those things which attract us

So I went and bought him a little lady cactus

We placed them spiky cheek to spiky

Cheek upon our kitchen window sill

And then withdrew We knew

True love would run its course and

We perforce had something similar to do

And truth to tell well well within the hour

My auntie's antisocial plant put out a happy cactus flower

True love is in bloom now and everything's very nice

No thorns in our fireside no spikes up our paradise

My household is flourishing now and in fact I

Have dozens of kids and a hundred little cacti